In the face of others, I am incapable of expressing myself. I am unable to find the right words to speak, to express, so that others can understand just a fraction of what i feel. And most of all, i don't understand how I feel.

I am sorry - for both not feeling something and being selfish.

I have learned to be selfish with my love, that is all. I learnt to take this love I have, and pour it into no one else but me. This doesn't mean I do not love and appreciate my friends though - I do, more than anything. I love them with my whole heart, and appreciate with all of my being only towards those who have never left me.


It is not the kind of happy you get when the person of your affection returns your feelings, or when a loved one does something nice for you. It is not the kind of happy when others make known to you how much they love and care for you. It is the kind of happy you catch yourself feeling amidst life's fragility when everything seems broken and extremely uncertain - what your future has in store for you, rethinking the people you deem important in your life, constant disappointments, and worrying that you are not making it somewhere. But somehow, within these fragments of time, the heartbreaks you felt, the overwhelming and fearful uncertainty, you catch yourself smiling just simply because you are alive. You are not smiling because of someone told you they loved you and ran to the nearest florist to get you the most gorgeous bouquet of 99 roses and neither are you smiling because you received the best life-changing news you ever did in months.

You are smiling because you exist, all you and solely you. Because you chose to wake up today and tell yourself that you are important, and that you are beautiful. Because you finally realized that you do not need anyone to dictate these things for you, to decide what you are and are not. Because you decided to float among all the tension, and not resist- because the more you resist, the more you sink.

You are smiling because you are slowly but surely learning to shake away the impact of the opinions of other people, and instead, for once in your life, to live life for yourself. You are smiling because today, you woke up and you told yourself that right now, at this very moment is the day where you put an end to everything self-destructive, and start training your mind to see the good in everything.

And that's the kind of happy i feel. It might not be much, but I am glad that I am not where I used to be. Feeling this way is good enough for me.

i want to be happy with myself, no matter what it takes. i want to be able to look in the mirror and not pick out and stab every flaw i see. i want to see these flaws and study every intricate detail about them. accept them and most importantly, love them. i don't know how long it will take for me to be the person that i want to be, but i am tirelessly trying each and every day, in the most minute ways possible. i haven't been terribly sick and sad and neither have i felt the perverse familiar feeling that creeps up every time. but undoubtedly, i am not happy. happier, but not happy. one too many vacuums have been created in the past few months, and i've been feeling devoid of something that i'm unable to pinpoint. hopefully after this obstacle, everything will fall back into place, and these vacuums will be filled.

everyone around me seems to be changing, moving on and i can't keep up. feeling like the people in my life are never constant, even the people who means the most to me. always crossing oceans for people who won't even cross a puddle for me.

seems like the more i give the less i get.

I want to feel wholeness again. ah, but what if i never do?

keep catching myself wanting everything and nothing, all at once.