☯☯☯

i want to be happy with myself, no matter what it takes. i want to be able to look in the mirror and not pick out and stab every flaw i see. i want to see these flaws and study every intricate detail about them. accept them and most importantly, love them. i don't know how long it will take for me to be the person that i want to be, but i am tirelessly trying each and every day, in the most minute ways possible. i haven't been terribly sick and sad and neither have i felt the perverse familiar feeling that creeps up every time. but undoubtedly, i am not happy. happier, but not happy. one too many vacuums have been created in the past few months, and i've been feeling devoid of something that i'm unable to pinpoint. hopefully after this obstacle, everything will fall back into place, and these vacuums will be filled.

everyone around me seems to be changing, moving on and i can't keep up. feeling like the people in my life are never constant, even the people who means the most to me. always crossing oceans for people who won't even cross a puddle for me.

seems like the more i give the less i get.

I want to feel wholeness again. ah, but what if i never do?

keep catching myself wanting everything and nothing, all at once.