birthdays

happy birthday!
have a great one!
you're finally (insert age)!
hope your wishes come true!

i really detest birthdays.

i hate the way people expect you to feel so special on your birthday when in reality you still feel the same as you did a minute ago before the clock struck midnight.

i hate the way it reveals either the whopping several or the despondent few numbers of people who care about you enough to make sure your birthday is a day that is perfect and one that you feel loved and can truly be thankful for.

i don't want to know how many people care about me, or rather, not care about me.

im constantly afraid that birthdays will be sad, boring, and ordinary.

time please slow down, or skip the 18th.

had conversations about anything and everything, satisfied our sushi cravings, took lots of fail ootds (i give up tbh), waving at cute skater boys hehhe, ice cream @ merely and gift shopping at sephora. today has been great just being happy.

i have a job now! i'm starting next friday and i'm so scared as i've never worked before. i hope my coworkers are nice and work isn't thaaaat tough. and i pray i see nobody cause i rlly don't want to haha

can't wait for bkk! but before that, my birthday which is erm... unplanned. Bangkok seems so far away but i guess it's not that bad now that i have a job, and i really hope time will fly by super soon!

I've been demanding, unreasonable, rude, insensitive and always living in another world in my head.

I'm sorry if when you look into my eyes, it's not the gaze you used to know. the person you used to know.

I'm sorry if what you see now is a girl whose eyes are seemingly filled with hate, with confusion, with emptiness.

I'm sorry but I just need more time. time to figure out who i am, who i want to be, and where i have to go from here to get there.

so if you've stuck by me all this while - thank you. I really appreciate that. I have the worst of moods and I do, say, and feel many things you'd probably fail to understand. and on a side note, I don't either.

is it wrong to ignore problems in hopes that they'll go away on it's own? definitely. but it's the only way i can cope, the only way i know how to cope with things. call me a coward, call me whatever you like, but i am terrified to face my problems, to solve them and realize that I've lost more than I have ever gained.

“The person in life that you will always be with the most, is yourself. Because even when you are with others, you are still with yourself, too. When you wake up in the morning, you are with yourself, laying in bed at night you are with yourself, walking down the street in the sunlight you are with yourself. What kind of person do you want to walk down the street with? What kind of person do you want to wake up in the morning with? What kind of person do you want to see at the end of the day before you fall asleep? Because that person is yourself, and it’s your responsibility to be that person you want to be with. I know I want to spend my life with a person who knows how to let things go, who’s not full of hate, who’s able to smile and be carefree. So that’s who I have to be.”

lovely day

la petite + botanics

and finally tried matcha mc flurry, yay!

idk but i actually might do this eyeshadow look thing for prom HAHAHAHA

PLS DONT ASK ME WHY I PLAN MY MAKEUP

but not my dress hahaha

In the face of others, I am incapable of expressing myself. I am unable to find the right words to speak, to express, so that others can understand just a fraction of what i feel. And most of all, i don't understand how I feel.

I am sorry - for both not feeling something and being selfish.

I have learned to be selfish with my love, that is all. I learnt to take this love I have, and pour it into no one else but me. This doesn't mean I do not love and appreciate my friends though - I do, more than anything. I love them with my whole heart, and appreciate with all of my being only towards those who have never left me.


It is not the kind of happy you get when the person of your affection returns your feelings, or when a loved one does something nice for you. It is not the kind of happy when others make known to you how much they love and care for you. It is the kind of happy you catch yourself feeling amidst life's fragility when everything seems broken and extremely uncertain - what your future has in store for you, rethinking the people you deem important in your life, constant disappointments, and worrying that you are not making it somewhere. But somehow, within these fragments of time, the heartbreaks you felt, the overwhelming and fearful uncertainty, you catch yourself smiling just simply because you are alive. You are not smiling because of someone told you they loved you and ran to the nearest florist to get you the most gorgeous bouquet of 99 roses and neither are you smiling because you received the best life-changing news you ever did in months.

You are smiling because you exist, all you and solely you. Because you chose to wake up today and tell yourself that you are important, and that you are beautiful. Because you finally realized that you do not need anyone to dictate these things for you, to decide what you are and are not. Because you decided to float among all the tension, and not resist- because the more you resist, the more you sink.

You are smiling because you are slowly but surely learning to shake away the impact of the opinions of other people, and instead, for once in your life, to live life for yourself. You are smiling because today, you woke up and you told yourself that right now, at this very moment is the day where you put an end to everything self-destructive, and start training your mind to see the good in everything.

And that's the kind of happy i feel. It might not be much, but I am glad that I am not where I used to be. Feeling this way is good enough for me.

i want to be happy with myself, no matter what it takes. i want to be able to look in the mirror and not pick out and stab every flaw i see. i want to see these flaws and study every intricate detail about them. accept them and most importantly, love them. i don't know how long it will take for me to be the person that i want to be, but i am tirelessly trying each and every day, in the most minute ways possible. i haven't been terribly sick and sad and neither have i felt the perverse familiar feeling that creeps up every time. but undoubtedly, i am not happy. happier, but not happy. one too many vacuums have been created in the past few months, and i've been feeling devoid of something that i'm unable to pinpoint. hopefully after this obstacle, everything will fall back into place, and these vacuums will be filled.

everyone around me seems to be changing, moving on and i can't keep up. feeling like the people in my life are never constant, even the people who means the most to me. always crossing oceans for people who won't even cross a puddle for me.

seems like the more i give the less i get.

I want to feel wholeness again. ah, but what if i never do?

keep catching myself wanting everything and nothing, all at once.

updating this space w pictures finally :~))))))))))


rlly getting used to being tired and pushing myself and studying which is good.

as i'm writing this my mom is booking tickets for the bangkok trip hehe i can't wait!!!!!!!!

but rlly, everything have been so exhausting..... on top of studying, i have to deal w fatigue, my emotions and accepting things. and to me that is so so so hard but i've really been trying to accept that drifting from people is part and parcel of life, and trying to be okay with that. trying to be okay with being alone, doing things by myself, being self-reliant.. and not forgetting that nothing feels the same these days. like everything i care about is slipping out of my fingertips and all i can do is watch it leave. i don't know how long this 'mindset' and acceptance is gonna stay, but i hope it doesn't leave anytime soon, it can't.